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Marriage:
A Haven For Children
Extract from a paper entitled
“The Importance of Marriage” that Bridget Maher,
policy analyst, from the Family Research Council, Washington
D*C presented at the Asia Pacific Family Dialogue, Kuala
Lumpur, Malaysia, in preparation for the Doha International
Conference for the Family. In this article, we highlight
points relating to the importance of marriage to children.
The title we adopted is taken from one of her concluding
remarks that "We need to restore a culture in which...marriage
between a man and a woman is treasured as the safest haven
for children".
A twenty-eight-year-old American, and a child
of divorce who had not seen or spoken to her father in 19
years, wrote these words to her father a few months after
she attempted to commit suicide. “Dear Papa …As
much as I have tried, I do not have a template to understand
myself, or this world and, at times, the knowledge that
I have spent all these years without knowing you overwhelms
me … It is so basic, to want to feel loved. I have
not felt that.”
This real life story reveals the emotional pain that children
from broken homes experience. And this reveals why marriage
is important.
Marriage provides the optimal environment for raising children,
who are the future of society. Children raised by their
biological married parents have the best chance of becoming
happy, healthy, and morally-upright citizens. Numerous studies
have demonstrated the benefits children experience by living
with married parents.
First of all, marriage ensures that children will have access
to a mother and a father. Both mothers and fathers have
unique, irreplaceable and complementary roles in children’s
development. For example, children’s emotional bond
with their mothers helps them to develop their conscience,
capacities for intimacy and empathy and a sense of self-worth.
One study found that adults who perceived their mothers
as available and devoted to them in childhood were less
likely to suffer from depression and low self-esteem as
adults and more likely to be resilient “in dealing
with life events.”
Involved fathers produce children who have better emotional
health, do better academically and attain higher job status
as adults. Also fathers
teach their children empathy, as well as assertiveness and
independence. But most
importantly, fathers are role models for both their sons
and daughters. Fathers teach their sons how to be a man,
how to take on male responsibilities and how to relate to
women. Girls learn from their fathers that they are lovable;
they also learn to appreciate their femininity and how to
relate to men.
In addition to experiencing the complementary roles of mothers
and fathers, children with married parents receive a model
for their future marriage. Children living in intact homes
learn that it’s possible to entrust oneself to another
person – totally, completely and for a lifetime. Also,
they learn what marriage looks like. By their example, parents
teach children about the sacrifices marriage entails and
how husbands and wives should treat each other. Children
learn from their parents that marriage is filled with many
joys as well as sorrows, and that it’s possible to
work through hardships with charity, forgiveness, patience
and perseverance.
Spouses’ relationship with each other is pivotal in
children’s ability to form their own marriage. According
to Judith Wallerstein, who studied 131 children of divorce
over 25 years, it’s parents relationship that gives
children a template for their future marriage.
It doesn’t have to be a perfect marriage; in fact,
Wallestein found that children are usually “reasonably
content” in an unhappy or failing marriage.
Children with the template of an intact marriage have more
confidence in marriage. Children of divorce, on the other
hand, have a shattered template for marriage, causing them
to distrust marriage and to avoid it for fear of divorce.
Studies have found that these children are twice as likely
to both cohabit before marriage and to divorce.
Wallerstein illustrates this in telling the story of Lisa,
one of her clients whose parents divorced when she was four
years old. As a child and teenager, Lisa did remarkably
well socially and academically. However, during her adult
years she had a series of bad relationships.
She told Wallerstein, “Sometimes I think it would be
the most wonderful thing in the world to love somebody one
hundred percent with my whole heart and soul. But that’s
never going to happen to me. It’s a far-fetched dream.
…If you don’t marry you don’t get betrayed.
You don’t divorce.” Lisa admitted that she didn’t
have the confidence to form her own marriage.
She told Wallerstein, “I grew up unprepared for adult
relationships, especially for being a woman with a man.
No one taught me what I could expect or ask for.” Although
Lisa guarded her heart, she eventually admitted to Wallerstein
her desire to love and be loved by a man.Along with a template for their future marriage, children
with married parents also received safety, health and economic
benefits. A 1998 study found that children in single-parent
families are more than twice as likely to be physically
abused as children living with both biological parents.
A 2000 study from the journal Pediatrics found that children
from single parent homes are twice as likely to have emotional
and behavioral problems as children living with both parents.According to the United States Census Bureau, poverty
rates among children in single-mother households are five
times higher than those of children raised by married parents
(35.5 percent v. 7 percent).
Also, children from intact families are likely to have better
jobs and to earn more as adults.In addition to these benefits, children with married
parents do better academically and have better relationships
with their parents. A 2003 study of 11 industrialized
countries found that children living in single-parent families
have lower math and science scores than children in two-parent
families. (Editor’s
italics as this point is particularly important to Singaporeans!)
Children with married parents are less likely to engage
in behaviours such as premarital sex, substance abuse, delinquency
and suicide. A recent Swedish study of almost a million
children found that children raised by single parents are
more than twice as likely as those raised in two-parent
homes to suffer from a serious psychiatric disorder, to
commit or attempt suicide or to develop an alcohol addiction.
Besides benefiting the children themselves, marriage also
brings health, social and economic benefits to men and women
and to society.
___________________
- Lisa Singh, The Fatherland, The Washington
Post Magazine June 6, 2004 p W17
- Brenda Hunter, Ph.D., The Power of Mother
Love (Waterbrook Press: Colorado Springs, 1997),
- Mohammadreza Hojat, “Satisfaction
with Early Relationships with Parents and Psychosocial
Attributes in Adulthood: Which Parent Contributes More?”
The Journal of The Family in America New Research Genetic
Psychology 159 (1998): 203-220 as cited in the, The Howard
Centre, October 1998.
- Jay Teachman, et al., “Sibling
Resemblance in Behavioral Cognitive Outcomes: The Role
of Father Presence, “Journal of Marriage and the
Family 60 (November 1998): 835-848 and Timothy J. Biblarz
and Greg Gottainer, “Family Structure and Children’s
Success: A Comparison of Widowed and Divorced Single-Mothers
Families,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 62
(May 2000): 533-548.
- David Popenoe, Life Without Father:
Compelling New Evidence That Fatherhood and Marriage Are
Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society (Cambridge:
Harvard University Press, 1996),
- Popenoe,
- Judith Wallerstein, et al., The Unexpected
Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study, (New York:
Hyperion, 2000)
- Ibid,
- Jay D. Teachman, “The Childhood
Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics
of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25
(January 2004): 86-111 and Paul R. Amato and Danelle D.
DeBoer, “ The Transmission of Marital Instability
Across Generations: Relationships Skills or Commitment
to Marriage?” Journal of Marriage and Family 63 (November
2001): 1038-1051.
- Wallerstein,
- Joceylyn Brown, et al., “A Longitudinal
Analysis of Risk Factors for Child Maltreatment: Findings
of a 17-Year Prospective Study of Official Recorded and
Self-Reported Child Abuse and Neglect,” Child Abuse
& Neglect 22 (1998): 1065-1078.
- Kelly J Kelleher, et al., “Increasing
Identification of Psychosocial Problems: 1979-1996,”
Pediatrics 105 (June 2000): 1313-1321.
- U.S. Census Bureau, “Historical
Poverty Tables,” Table 4, available at www.Census.gov/hhes/poeverty/histpov4.html
- Timothy J Biblarz and Greg Gottainer,
“Family Structure and Children’s Success: A
Comparison of Widowed and Divorced Single-Mother Families.”
- Suet-Ling Pong, et al., “Family
Policies and Children’s School Achievement in Single-Versus
Two-Parent Families,” Journal of Marriage and Family
65 (August 2003): 681-699
- Gunilla Ringback Weitoft, et al., “Mortality, Severe
Morbidity and Injury in Children Living with Single Parents
in Sweden: A Population-based Study,” The Lancet
361 (January 25, 2003): 289-295
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